• You know what is really odd?
  • If men call short women “petite”, what do women call short men?
  • What did the graphics card say to the monitor during sex?
  • A man and a woman CAN be just friends without there being any sex involved…
  • My wife just left me, She said , my life just revolves around football , and she’s sick of it
  • I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high
  • Where do bad rainbow go?
  • When a short person waves at you
  • Women are a lot like bacon
  • I asked my dad if I was adopted.
  • I asked my dad if I was adopted.
  • Why did the rock go to school?
  • Girl, are you an introductory rate credit card?
  • Why don’t foot fetishists win races?
  • I recently became a vampire, and I’m so ashamed.
  • What’s wrong with a joke about a frisbee that can’t fly?
  • What do you eat straight off the ground before a meal?
  • Lance is a very uncommon name nowadays
  • Fun fact: if you cut off your left arm
  • How do you make an egg roll?
  • What do you call a person who is happy on Monday morning?
  • Why did the computer get cold?
  • Why did the man fall down a well?
  • Time flies like an arrow
  • I have a disease where I can’t stop telling airport jokes.
  • I was told I could look at the eclipse through a colander.
  • What do you call a pig that practices karate?
  • What does a drummer name his twin daughters?
  • I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
  • How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
  • Why don’t scientists trust atoms?
  • I tried to catch some fog earlier.
  • What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?
  • What did the hamburger name its baby?
  • I entered 10 pun contests hoping one would win.
  • What do you call a fake noodle?
  • I recently broke up with my alien girlfriend
  • How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
  • What’s a Karen called in Europe?
  • I just realized my wife left me because of my obsession with simplifying fractions.
  • My wife accused me of being a cross dresser.
  • I’ve only got maybe two or three Motown puns left in me
  • Why can’t Luke Skywalker ever give his dad a surprise gift?
  • What invention allows us to see through walls?
  • Breaking news police are in pursuit of a child psychic
  • Did you hear about the guy who invented knock knock jokes?
  • Relationships are like garage sales.
  • If you love someone set them free
  • If a bear puts on socks and shoes
  • Went to a restaurant last night
  • What do you call a snowman that tells lies?
  • What has five toes but isn’t your foot?
  • I’m afraid for the calendar.
  • What happened to the turkey that got into a fight?
  • What did the duck say when he bought chapstick?
  • My wife asked if I had seen the dog bowl
  • My wife accused me of stealing her thesaurus
  • Why are elevator jokes the funniest?
  • If you give someone a late present…
  • I was at the public swimming pool today and decided to have a sneaky piss in the deep end.
  • What did one melon say after the other proposed?
  • What did the ham say when it walked out of the hospital?
  • My wife and I considered adoption
  • What do you call a prawn that doesn’t want to share?
  • What is your secret for staying down to earth?
  • What genre are national anthems?
  • My Llama roommate yelled at me, “I’ve had enough of your dad jokes! Leave now!”
  • What do you call Frosty with a 6-pack?
  • Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?
  • Where do you take someone who has been injured in a peekaboo accident
  • What do you call an Alien with 3 eyes?
  • How do you get a farm girl?
  • I haven’t talked to my wife
  • My friend gave me his Epipen
  • I was so confused last night my printer was playing music
  • You are only American when you come out of the bathroom
  • My boss asked me why do I only get sick on work days?
  • I hired a handyman the other day and gave hima todo list
  • Someone just called my phone, sneezed, coughed and hung up
  • Someone told me I had a booger in my nose
  • My therapist said I have a phobia of getting married
  • My wife has been putting glue all over my rifle collection
  • It’s a 5 minute walk from the bar to my house but a 45 minute walk back.
  • A storm blew off 25% of my roof last night
  • What do you call a group of men waiting in line for a haircut?
  • I got an email today explaining how to read maps backwards
  • Did you know if you fart and sneeze at the same time..
  • Why did the photographer bring a drone? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the teacher bring a chalk? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the fisherman bring a reel? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the writer bring a highlighter? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the musician bring a capo? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the chef bring a whisk? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the gardener bring a wheelbarrow? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the electrician bring a toolbox? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the scientist bring goggles? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the banker bring a deposit slip? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the photographer bring a lens cap? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the teacher bring a pointer? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the fisherman bring a cooler? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the writer bring a bookmark? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the musician bring an amplifier? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the chef bring an apron? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the gardener bring gloves? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the electrician bring a voltmeter? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the scientist bring a flask? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the banker bring a briefcase? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the photographer bring a memory card? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the teacher bring a lesson plan? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the fisherman bring a fishing license? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the writer bring a laptop? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the musician bring sheet music? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the chef bring a timer? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the gardener bring a hoe? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the electrician bring a circuit board? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the scientist bring a petri dish? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the banker bring a ledger? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the photographer bring a tripod? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the teacher bring a report card? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the fisherman bring a tackle box? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the writer bring a journal? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the musician bring a tuner? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the chef bring a cookbook? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the gardener bring a watering can? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the electrician bring a battery? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the scientist bring a lab rat? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the banker bring a piggy bank? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the photographer bring a filter? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the teacher bring a globe? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the fisherman bring a net? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the writer bring a thesaurus? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the musician bring a metronome? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the chef bring a scale? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the gardener bring a thermometer? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the electrician bring a ruler? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the scientist bring a magnifying glass? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the banker bring a calculator? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the photographer bring a mirror? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the teacher bring a telescope? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the fisherman bring a timer? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the writer bring a compass? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the musician bring a calendar? – Dad Joke
  • What’s red and bad for your teeth?
  • Why did the chef bring a tape measure? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the gardener bring a map? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the electrician bring a flashlight? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the scientist bring a notebook? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the banker bring a fan? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the photographer bring a bucket? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the teacher bring a ladder to class? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the fisherman bring a pencil? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the astronomer get glasses? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the librarian get a boat? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the chef bring a ladder to work? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the weatherman bring a ladder? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the mechanic wear a watch? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the astronaut bring a broom? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the gardener get an award? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the doctor carry a red pen? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the historian get kicked out of the library? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the suitcase file a complaint? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the tree get in trouble? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the physicist go to the beach? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the musician get arrested? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the soccer ball go to school? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the tomato turn red? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the computer get cold? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the electrician get shocked? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the scientist install an extra door? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the musician get kicked out of the orchestra? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the baker go to therapy? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the photographer get kicked out of the party? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the banker get locked out of his office? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the programmer get kicked out of the cafe? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the mechanic sleep under the car? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the golfer bring sunscreen? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the fisherman bring a piano to the lake? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the teacher wear sunglasses? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the chef get a time-out? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the astronaut break up with his girlfriend? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the librarian get kicked out of the library? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the gardener get a promotion? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the artist carry a pencil? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the musician get kicked out of the band? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the scarecrow get promoted? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the bicycle fall over? – Dad Joke
  • Why did the math book look sad? – Dad Joke
  • I used to play piano by ear, – Dad Joke
  • Why did the scarecrow win an award? – Dad Joke
  • SON: *hands my Dad his 50th birthday card* – Dad Joke
  • How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? – Dad Joke
  • A termite walks into a bar and asks, – Dad Joke
  • I used to have a job at a calendar factory – Dad Joke
  • GRANDPA: I have a ‘dad bod’, – Dad Joke
  • 5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions. – Dad Joke
  • What do you call a dog that can do magic? – Dad Joke
  • If Snoop Dogg dies before pot becomes legal in the US, – Dad Joke
  • What’s the best part about living in Switzerland? – Dad Joke
  • What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? – Dad Joke