Month: November 2023
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I was so confused last night my printer was playing music
I was so confused last night my printer was playing music. Turns out my printer was just jammin.
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You are only American when you come out of the bathroom
You are only American when you come out of the bathroom When you go in. Europeein.
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My boss asked me why do I only get sick on work days?
My boss asked me why do I only get sick on work days? said I don’t know. I must have a weekend immune system.
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I hired a handyman the other day and gave hima todo list
I hired a handyman the other day and gave hima todo list Only jobs 1,5 and 9 were done… He only does odd jobs.
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Someone just called my phone, sneezed, coughed and hung up
Someone just called my phone, sneezed, coughed and hung up.. I am getting sick of these cold calls.
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Someone told me I had a booger in my nose
Someone told me I had a booger in my nose I said.. It’s not
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My therapist said I have a phobia of getting married
My therapist said I have a phobia of getting married. he asked me if I knew the symptoms? I said, I can’t say I do
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My wife has been putting glue all over my rifle collection
My wife has been putting glue all over my rifle collection She’s denying it.. but I am sticking to my guns
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It’s a 5 minute walk from the bar to my house but a 45 minute walk back.
It’s a 5 minute walk from the bar to my house but a 45 minute walk back. The difference is staggering!
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A storm blew off 25% of my roof last night
A storm blew off 25% of my roof last night Oof!
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What do you call a group of men waiting in line for a haircut?
What do you call a group of men waiting in line for a haircut? A barber-que
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I got an email today explaining how to read maps backwards
I got an email today explaining how to read maps backwards it was SPAM!
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Did you know if you fart and sneeze at the same time..
Did you know if you fart and sneeze at the same time.. Your body takes a screenshot?
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Why did the photographer bring a drone? – Dad Joke
Why did the photographer bring a drone? To ‘elevate’ his shots.
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Why did the teacher bring a chalk? – Dad Joke
Why did the teacher bring a chalk? To ‘draw’ attention.
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Why did the fisherman bring a reel? – Dad Joke
Why did the fisherman bring a reel? To ‘wind’ up his day.
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Why did the writer bring a highlighter? – Dad Joke
Why did the writer bring a highlighter? To ‘mark’ his best lines.
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Why did the musician bring a capo? – Dad Joke
Why did the musician bring a capo? To ‘clamp’ down on mistakes.
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Why did the chef bring a whisk? – Dad Joke
Why did the chef bring a whisk? To ‘stir’ up greatness.
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Why did the gardener bring a wheelbarrow? – Dad Joke
Why did the gardener bring a wheelbarrow? To ‘carry’ his success.
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Why did the electrician bring a toolbox? – Dad Joke
Why did the electrician bring a toolbox? To ‘fix’ his problems.
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Why did the scientist bring goggles? – Dad Joke
Why did the scientist bring goggles? To ‘see’ clearly.
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Why did the banker bring a deposit slip? – Dad Joke
Why did the banker bring a deposit slip? To ‘secure’ his funds.
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Why did the photographer bring a lens cap? – Dad Joke
Why did the photographer bring a lens cap? To ‘protect’ his vision.
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Why did the teacher bring a pointer? – Dad Joke
Why did the teacher bring a pointer? To ‘direct’ his students.
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Why did the fisherman bring a cooler? – Dad Joke
Why did the fisherman bring a cooler? To ‘chill’ his catch.
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Why did the writer bring a bookmark? – Dad Joke
Why did the writer bring a bookmark? To ‘mark’ his progress.
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Why did the musician bring an amplifier? – Dad Joke
Why did the musician bring an amplifier? To ‘boost’ his performance.
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Why did the chef bring an apron? – Dad Joke
Why did the chef bring an apron? To ‘cover’ his bases.
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Why did the gardener bring gloves? – Dad Joke
Why did the gardener bring gloves? To ‘handle’ his plants.
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Why did the electrician bring a voltmeter? – Dad Joke
Why did the electrician bring a voltmeter? To ‘measure’ his potential.
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Why did the scientist bring a flask? – Dad Joke
Why did the scientist bring a flask? To ‘contain’ his excitement.
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Why did the banker bring a briefcase? – Dad Joke
Why did the banker bring a briefcase? To ‘handle’ his business.
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Why did the photographer bring a memory card? – Dad Joke
Why did the photographer bring a memory card? To ‘capture’ his best shots.
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Why did the teacher bring a lesson plan? – Dad Joke
Why did the teacher bring a lesson plan? To ‘teach’ his own.
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Why did the fisherman bring a fishing license? – Dad Joke
Why did the fisherman bring a fishing license? To ‘catch’ a break.
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Why did the writer bring a laptop? – Dad Joke
Why did the writer bring a laptop? To ‘key’ in his success.
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Why did the musician bring sheet music? – Dad Joke
Why did the musician bring sheet music? To ‘compose’ himself.
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Why did the chef bring a timer? – Dad Joke
Why did the chef bring a timer? To ‘cook’ up success.
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Why did the gardener bring a hoe? – Dad Joke
Why did the gardener bring a hoe? To ‘dig’ deeper.
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Why did the electrician bring a circuit board? – Dad Joke
Why did the electrician bring a circuit board? To ‘connect’ with his work.
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Why did the scientist bring a petri dish? – Dad Joke
Why did the scientist bring a petri dish? To ‘culture’ his work.
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Why did the banker bring a ledger? – Dad Joke
Why did the banker bring a ledger? To ‘account’ for his actions.
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Why did the photographer bring a tripod? – Dad Joke
Why did the photographer bring a tripod? To ‘stand’ out.
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Why did the teacher bring a report card? – Dad Joke
Why did the teacher bring a report card? To ‘grade’ his performance.
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Why did the fisherman bring a tackle box? – Dad Joke
Why did the fisherman bring a tackle box? To ‘hook’ his success.
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Why did the writer bring a journal? – Dad Joke
Why did the writer bring a journal? To ‘note’ down his thoughts.
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Why did the musician bring a tuner? – Dad Joke
Why did the musician bring a tuner? To ‘fine-tune’ his skills.
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Why did the chef bring a cookbook? – Dad Joke
Why did the chef bring a cookbook? To ‘spice’ up his life.
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Why did the gardener bring a watering can? – Dad Joke
Why did the gardener bring a watering can? To ‘nourish’ his plants.
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Why did the electrician bring a battery? – Dad Joke
Why did the electrician bring a battery? To ‘charge’ up his day.
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Why did the scientist bring a lab rat? – Dad Joke
Why did the scientist bring a lab rat? For ‘experimental’ reasons.
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Why did the banker bring a piggy bank? – Dad Joke
Why did the banker bring a piggy bank? To ‘save’ his career.
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Why did the photographer bring a filter? – Dad Joke
Why did the photographer bring a filter? To ‘focus’ on the good.
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Why did the teacher bring a globe? – Dad Joke
Why did the teacher bring a globe? To ‘world’-build in class.
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Why did the fisherman bring a net? – Dad Joke
Why did the fisherman bring a net? To ‘catch’ his big opportunity.
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Why did the writer bring a thesaurus? – Dad Joke
Why did the writer bring a thesaurus? To find the ‘write’ words.
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Why did the musician bring a metronome? – Dad Joke
Why did the musician bring a metronome? To keep up with the ‘beat’.
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Why did the chef bring a scale? – Dad Joke
Why did the chef bring a scale? To ‘weigh’ his options.
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Why did the gardener bring a thermometer? – Dad Joke
Why did the gardener bring a thermometer? To check the ‘climate’ of his work.
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Why did the electrician bring a ruler? – Dad Joke
Why did the electrician bring a ruler? To measure his ‘current’ progress.
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Why did the scientist bring a magnifying glass? – Dad Joke
Why did the scientist bring a magnifying glass? To ‘zoom’ into his work.
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Why did the banker bring a calculator? – Dad Joke
Why did the banker bring a calculator? To count his blessings.
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Why did the photographer bring a mirror? – Dad Joke
Why did the photographer bring a mirror? To reflect on his work.
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Why did the teacher bring a telescope? – Dad Joke
Why did the teacher bring a telescope? To see the ‘pupil’ of his eye.
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Why did the fisherman bring a timer? – Dad Joke
Why did the fisherman bring a timer? To know when to ‘reel’ in.
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Why did the writer bring a compass? – Dad Joke
Why did the writer bring a compass? To find the right direction for his story.
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Why did the musician bring a calendar? – Dad Joke
Why did the musician bring a calendar? To keep track of his ‘compositions’.
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What’s red and bad for your teeth?
What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick!
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Why did the chef bring a tape measure? – Dad Joke
Why did the chef bring a tape measure? To get the right ‘serving size’.
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Why did the gardener bring a map? – Dad Joke
Why did the gardener bring a map? To find his ‘root’.
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Why did the electrician bring a flashlight? – Dad Joke
Why did the electrician bring a flashlight? To ‘lighten’ up his work.
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Why did the scientist bring a notebook? – Dad Joke
Why did the scientist bring a notebook? To jot down his ‘elements’ of surprise.
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Why did the banker bring a fan? – Dad Joke
Why did the banker bring a fan? To blow away the interest.
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Why did the photographer bring a bucket? – Dad Joke
Why did the photographer bring a bucket? To capture the moment.
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Why did the teacher bring a ladder to class? – Dad Joke
Why did the teacher bring a ladder to class? To go to the next level.
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Why did the fisherman bring a pencil? – Dad Joke
Why did the fisherman bring a pencil? To draw his own bait.
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Why did the astronomer get glasses? – Dad Joke
Why did the astronomer get glasses? To improve his ‘sight’-ings.
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Why did the librarian get a boat? – Dad Joke
Why did the librarian get a boat? To sail through the high seas.
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Why did the chef bring a ladder to work? – Dad Joke
Why did the chef bring a ladder to work? To reach the upper crust.
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Why did the weatherman bring a ladder? – Dad Joke
Why did the weatherman bring a ladder? To reach new heights in his career.
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Why did the mechanic wear a watch? – Dad Joke
Why did the mechanic wear a watch? To keep track of his ‘torque’ time.
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Why did the astronaut bring a broom? – Dad Joke
Why did the astronaut bring a broom? To sweep up stardust.
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Why did the gardener get an award? – Dad Joke
Why did the gardener get an award? He had an outstanding plant.
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Why did the doctor carry a red pen? – Dad Joke
Why did the doctor carry a red pen? In case they needed to draw blood.
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Why did the historian get kicked out of the library? – Dad Joke
Why did the historian get kicked out of the library? He was always digging up the past.
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Why did the suitcase file a complaint? – Dad Joke
Why did the suitcase file a complaint? It was getting lugged around too much.
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Why did the tree get in trouble? – Dad Joke
Why did the tree get in trouble? It was always going out on a limb.
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Why did the physicist go to the beach? – Dad Joke
Why did the physicist go to the beach? To work on his tan-gent.
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Why did the musician get arrested? – Dad Joke
Why did the musician get arrested? He got caught with too many sharp objects.
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Why did the soccer ball go to school? – Dad Joke
Why did the soccer ball go to school? To get a little bouncer.
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Why did the tomato turn red? – Dad Joke
Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing.
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Why did the computer get cold? – Dad Joke
Why did the computer get cold? It left its Windows open.
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Why did the electrician get shocked? – Dad Joke
Why did the electrician get shocked? He couldn’t resist.