Author: DadJoker
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I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high She seemed surprised
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Where do bad rainbow go?
Where do bad rainbow go? To prism, it’s light sentence, it gives them time to reflect.
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When a short person waves at you
When a short person waves at you, It’s called a microwave
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Women are a lot like bacon
Women are a lot like bacon. They smell amazing. They taste fantastic and they will kill You slowly.
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I asked my dad if I was adopted.
I asked my dad if I was adopted. He told me “No, you think I would have fucking picked you?”
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I asked my dad if I was adopted.
I asked my dad if I was adopted. He said, “Not yet. We just placed the ad this morning.”
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Why did the rock go to school?
Why did the rock go to school? To become a little boulder!
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Girl, are you an introductory rate credit card?
Girl, are you an introductory rate credit card? Because you’re offering me zero percent interest.
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Why don’t foot fetishists win races?
Why don’t foot fetishists win races? They love the smell of defeat.
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I recently became a vampire, and I’m so ashamed.
I recently became a vampire, and I’m so ashamed. I can’t even look at myself in the mirror.
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What’s wrong with a joke about a frisbee that can’t fly?
What’s wrong with a joke about a frisbee that can’t fly? Jokes like that don’t fly around here.
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What do you eat straight off the ground before a meal?
What do you eat straight off the ground before a meal? floor-d’œuvres
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Lance is a very uncommon name nowadays
Lance is a very uncommon name nowadays Back in medieval times, people were called Lance a lot.
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Fun fact: if you cut off your left arm
Fun fact: if you cut off your left arm. Your right arm would be left.
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How do you make an egg roll?
How do you make an egg roll? You push it!
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What do you call a person who is happy on Monday morning?
What do you call a person who is happy on Monday morning? Unemployed!
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Why did the computer get cold?
Why did the computer get cold? Because it left its windows open!
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Why did the man fall down a well?
Why did the man fall down a well? He couldn’t see that well!
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Time flies like an arrow
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana
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I have a disease where I can’t stop telling airport jokes.
I have a disease where I can’t stop telling airport jokes. My doctor says it’s terminal.
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I was told I could look at the eclipse through a colander.
I was told I could look at the eclipse through a colander. I tried it but it strained my eyes!
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What do you call a pig that practices karate?
What do you call a pig that practices karate? A pork chop
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What does a drummer name his twin daughters?
What does a drummer name his twin daughters? Anna 1 Anna 2
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I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
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How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb? Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out.
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Why don’t scientists trust atoms?
Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.
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I tried to catch some fog earlier.
I tried to catch some fog earlier. I mist.
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What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?
What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie? Sofishticated.
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What did the hamburger name its baby?
What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty.
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I entered 10 pun contests hoping one would win.
I entered 10 pun contests hoping one would win. No pun in ten did.
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What do you call a fake noodle?
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
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I recently broke up with my alien girlfriend
I recently broke up with my alien girlfriend She’s now my Space Ex
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How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? It only takes one, but it takes a long time and the light bulb has to want to change.
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What’s a Karen called in Europe?
What’s a Karen called in Europe? An American!
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I just realized my wife left me because of my obsession with simplifying fractions.
I just realized my wife left me because of my obsession with simplifying fractions. Oh well. Hindsight is 1.
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My wife accused me of being a cross dresser.
My wife accused me of being a cross dresser. I’m not having that, so I packed up her things and left
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I’ve only got maybe two or three Motown puns left in me
I’ve only got maybe two or three Motown puns left in me. Four tops!
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Why can’t Luke Skywalker ever give his dad a surprise gift?
Why can’t Luke Skywalker ever give his dad a surprise gift? Vader can always sense his presents.
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What invention allows us to see through walls?
What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows
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Breaking news police are in pursuit of a child psychic
Breaking news police are in pursuit of a child psychic A small medium is at large
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Did you hear about the guy who invented knock knock jokes?
Did you hear about the guy who invented knock knock jokes? He won a “no bell” prize.
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Relationships are like garage sales.
Relationships are like garage sales. From a distance it looks like it could be interesting, up close it’s just a ton of stuff you don’t need.
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If you love someone set them free
If you love someone set them free. If they come back, nobody liked them so set them free again.
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If a bear puts on socks and shoes
If a bear puts on socks and shoes He still has bear feet
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Went to a restaurant last night
Went to a restaurant last night. The Waiter said, I am sorry sir but we are so busy tonight. Would you mind waiting for a bit? I said no problem. He said we’ll take these drinks to table. 10.
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What do you call a snowman that tells lies?
What do you call a snowman that tells lies? A snowfake
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What has five toes but isn’t your foot?
What has five toes but isn’t your foot? My foot!
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I’m afraid for the calendar.
I’m afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered
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What happened to the turkey that got into a fight?
What happened to the turkey that got into a fight? He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
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What did the duck say when he bought chapstick?
What did the duck say when he bought chapstick? Put it on my bill!
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My wife asked if I had seen the dog bowl
My wife asked if I had seen the dog bowl? I said I never new he did!
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My wife accused me of stealing her thesaurus
My wife accused me of stealing her thesaurus Not only was I shocked but I was appalled, aghast and dismayed.
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Why are elevator jokes the funniest?
Why are elevator jokes the funniest? They work on all levels!
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If you give someone a late present…
If you give someone a late present… does that make it a past?
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I was at the public swimming pool today and decided to have a sneaky piss in the deep end.
I was at the public swimming pool today and decided to have a sneaky piss in the deep end. The lifeguard must have noticed – he blew his whistle so loud, I nearly fell in.
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What did one melon say after the other proposed?
What did one melon say after the other proposed? We cantaloupe!
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What did the ham say when it walked out of the hospital?
What did the ham say when it walked out of the hospital? I’m cured!
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My wife and I considered adoption
My wife and I considered adoption However, we’re not sure anyone would take our kids.
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What do you call a prawn that doesn’t want to share?
What do you call a prawn that doesn’t want to share? Shellfish
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What is your secret for staying down to earth?
What is your secret for staying down to earth? Gavity
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What genre are national anthems?
What genre are national anthems? Country lol!
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My Llama roommate yelled at me, “I’ve had enough of your dad jokes! Leave now!”
My Llama roommate yelled at me, “I’ve had enough of your dad jokes! Leave now!” “Fine,” I replied, “Alpaca my bags and leave.”
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What do you call Frosty with a 6-pack?
What do you call Frosty with a 6-pack? An abdominal snowman.
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Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?
Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is? No Sun
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Where do you take someone who has been injured in a peekaboo accident
Where do you take someone who has been injured in a peekaboo accident? To the ICU
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What do you call an Alien with 3 eyes?
What do you call an Alien with 3 eyes? An Aliiien!
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How do you get a farm girl?
How do you get a farm girl To marry you? First a tractor
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I haven’t talked to my wife
I haven’t talked to my wife in years. I don’t want to interupr her.
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My friend gave me his Epipen
My friend gave me his Epipen while he was dying. It seemed like he really wanted me to have it.
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I was so confused last night my printer was playing music
I was so confused last night my printer was playing music. Turns out my printer was just jammin.
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You are only American when you come out of the bathroom
You are only American when you come out of the bathroom When you go in. Europeein.
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My boss asked me why do I only get sick on work days?
My boss asked me why do I only get sick on work days? said I don’t know. I must have a weekend immune system.
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I hired a handyman the other day and gave hima todo list
I hired a handyman the other day and gave hima todo list Only jobs 1,5 and 9 were done… He only does odd jobs.
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Someone just called my phone, sneezed, coughed and hung up
Someone just called my phone, sneezed, coughed and hung up.. I am getting sick of these cold calls.
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Someone told me I had a booger in my nose
Someone told me I had a booger in my nose I said.. It’s not
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My therapist said I have a phobia of getting married
My therapist said I have a phobia of getting married. he asked me if I knew the symptoms? I said, I can’t say I do
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My wife has been putting glue all over my rifle collection
My wife has been putting glue all over my rifle collection She’s denying it.. but I am sticking to my guns
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It’s a 5 minute walk from the bar to my house but a 45 minute walk back.
It’s a 5 minute walk from the bar to my house but a 45 minute walk back. The difference is staggering!
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A storm blew off 25% of my roof last night
A storm blew off 25% of my roof last night Oof!
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What do you call a group of men waiting in line for a haircut?
What do you call a group of men waiting in line for a haircut? A barber-que
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I got an email today explaining how to read maps backwards
I got an email today explaining how to read maps backwards it was SPAM!
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Did you know if you fart and sneeze at the same time..
Did you know if you fart and sneeze at the same time.. Your body takes a screenshot?
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Why did the photographer bring a drone? – Dad Joke
Why did the photographer bring a drone? To ‘elevate’ his shots.
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Why did the teacher bring a chalk? – Dad Joke
Why did the teacher bring a chalk? To ‘draw’ attention.
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Why did the fisherman bring a reel? – Dad Joke
Why did the fisherman bring a reel? To ‘wind’ up his day.
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Why did the writer bring a highlighter? – Dad Joke
Why did the writer bring a highlighter? To ‘mark’ his best lines.
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Why did the musician bring a capo? – Dad Joke
Why did the musician bring a capo? To ‘clamp’ down on mistakes.
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Why did the chef bring a whisk? – Dad Joke
Why did the chef bring a whisk? To ‘stir’ up greatness.
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Why did the gardener bring a wheelbarrow? – Dad Joke
Why did the gardener bring a wheelbarrow? To ‘carry’ his success.
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Why did the electrician bring a toolbox? – Dad Joke
Why did the electrician bring a toolbox? To ‘fix’ his problems.
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Why did the scientist bring goggles? – Dad Joke
Why did the scientist bring goggles? To ‘see’ clearly.
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Why did the banker bring a deposit slip? – Dad Joke
Why did the banker bring a deposit slip? To ‘secure’ his funds.
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Why did the photographer bring a lens cap? – Dad Joke
Why did the photographer bring a lens cap? To ‘protect’ his vision.
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Why did the teacher bring a pointer? – Dad Joke
Why did the teacher bring a pointer? To ‘direct’ his students.
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Why did the fisherman bring a cooler? – Dad Joke
Why did the fisherman bring a cooler? To ‘chill’ his catch.
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Why did the writer bring a bookmark? – Dad Joke
Why did the writer bring a bookmark? To ‘mark’ his progress.
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Why did the musician bring an amplifier? – Dad Joke
Why did the musician bring an amplifier? To ‘boost’ his performance.
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Why did the chef bring an apron? – Dad Joke
Why did the chef bring an apron? To ‘cover’ his bases.
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Why did the gardener bring gloves? – Dad Joke
Why did the gardener bring gloves? To ‘handle’ his plants.
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Why did the electrician bring a voltmeter? – Dad Joke
Why did the electrician bring a voltmeter? To ‘measure’ his potential.
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Why did the scientist bring a flask? – Dad Joke
Why did the scientist bring a flask? To ‘contain’ his excitement.
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Why did the banker bring a briefcase? – Dad Joke
Why did the banker bring a briefcase? To ‘handle’ his business.
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Why did the photographer bring a memory card? – Dad Joke
Why did the photographer bring a memory card? To ‘capture’ his best shots.
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Why did the teacher bring a lesson plan? – Dad Joke
Why did the teacher bring a lesson plan? To ‘teach’ his own.
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Why did the fisherman bring a fishing license? – Dad Joke
Why did the fisherman bring a fishing license? To ‘catch’ a break.
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Why did the writer bring a laptop? – Dad Joke
Why did the writer bring a laptop? To ‘key’ in his success.
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Why did the musician bring sheet music? – Dad Joke
Why did the musician bring sheet music? To ‘compose’ himself.
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Why did the chef bring a timer? – Dad Joke
Why did the chef bring a timer? To ‘cook’ up success.
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Why did the gardener bring a hoe? – Dad Joke
Why did the gardener bring a hoe? To ‘dig’ deeper.
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Why did the electrician bring a circuit board? – Dad Joke
Why did the electrician bring a circuit board? To ‘connect’ with his work.
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Why did the scientist bring a petri dish? – Dad Joke
Why did the scientist bring a petri dish? To ‘culture’ his work.
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Why did the banker bring a ledger? – Dad Joke
Why did the banker bring a ledger? To ‘account’ for his actions.
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Why did the photographer bring a tripod? – Dad Joke
Why did the photographer bring a tripod? To ‘stand’ out.
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Why did the teacher bring a report card? – Dad Joke
Why did the teacher bring a report card? To ‘grade’ his performance.
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Why did the fisherman bring a tackle box? – Dad Joke
Why did the fisherman bring a tackle box? To ‘hook’ his success.
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Why did the writer bring a journal? – Dad Joke
Why did the writer bring a journal? To ‘note’ down his thoughts.
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Why did the musician bring a tuner? – Dad Joke
Why did the musician bring a tuner? To ‘fine-tune’ his skills.
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Why did the chef bring a cookbook? – Dad Joke
Why did the chef bring a cookbook? To ‘spice’ up his life.
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Why did the gardener bring a watering can? – Dad Joke
Why did the gardener bring a watering can? To ‘nourish’ his plants.
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Why did the electrician bring a battery? – Dad Joke
Why did the electrician bring a battery? To ‘charge’ up his day.
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Why did the scientist bring a lab rat? – Dad Joke
Why did the scientist bring a lab rat? For ‘experimental’ reasons.
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Why did the banker bring a piggy bank? – Dad Joke
Why did the banker bring a piggy bank? To ‘save’ his career.
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Why did the photographer bring a filter? – Dad Joke
Why did the photographer bring a filter? To ‘focus’ on the good.
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Why did the teacher bring a globe? – Dad Joke
Why did the teacher bring a globe? To ‘world’-build in class.
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Why did the fisherman bring a net? – Dad Joke
Why did the fisherman bring a net? To ‘catch’ his big opportunity.
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Why did the writer bring a thesaurus? – Dad Joke
Why did the writer bring a thesaurus? To find the ‘write’ words.
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Why did the musician bring a metronome? – Dad Joke
Why did the musician bring a metronome? To keep up with the ‘beat’.
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Why did the chef bring a scale? – Dad Joke
Why did the chef bring a scale? To ‘weigh’ his options.
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Why did the gardener bring a thermometer? – Dad Joke
Why did the gardener bring a thermometer? To check the ‘climate’ of his work.
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Why did the electrician bring a ruler? – Dad Joke
Why did the electrician bring a ruler? To measure his ‘current’ progress.
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Why did the scientist bring a magnifying glass? – Dad Joke
Why did the scientist bring a magnifying glass? To ‘zoom’ into his work.
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Why did the banker bring a calculator? – Dad Joke
Why did the banker bring a calculator? To count his blessings.
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Why did the photographer bring a mirror? – Dad Joke
Why did the photographer bring a mirror? To reflect on his work.
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Why did the teacher bring a telescope? – Dad Joke
Why did the teacher bring a telescope? To see the ‘pupil’ of his eye.
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Why did the fisherman bring a timer? – Dad Joke
Why did the fisherman bring a timer? To know when to ‘reel’ in.
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Why did the writer bring a compass? – Dad Joke
Why did the writer bring a compass? To find the right direction for his story.
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Why did the musician bring a calendar? – Dad Joke
Why did the musician bring a calendar? To keep track of his ‘compositions’.
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What’s red and bad for your teeth?
What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick!
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Why did the chef bring a tape measure? – Dad Joke
Why did the chef bring a tape measure? To get the right ‘serving size’.
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Why did the gardener bring a map? – Dad Joke
Why did the gardener bring a map? To find his ‘root’.
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Why did the electrician bring a flashlight? – Dad Joke
Why did the electrician bring a flashlight? To ‘lighten’ up his work.
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Why did the scientist bring a notebook? – Dad Joke
Why did the scientist bring a notebook? To jot down his ‘elements’ of surprise.
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Why did the banker bring a fan? – Dad Joke
Why did the banker bring a fan? To blow away the interest.
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Why did the photographer bring a bucket? – Dad Joke
Why did the photographer bring a bucket? To capture the moment.
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Why did the teacher bring a ladder to class? – Dad Joke
Why did the teacher bring a ladder to class? To go to the next level.
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Why did the fisherman bring a pencil? – Dad Joke
Why did the fisherman bring a pencil? To draw his own bait.
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Why did the astronomer get glasses? – Dad Joke
Why did the astronomer get glasses? To improve his ‘sight’-ings.
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Why did the librarian get a boat? – Dad Joke
Why did the librarian get a boat? To sail through the high seas.
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Why did the chef bring a ladder to work? – Dad Joke
Why did the chef bring a ladder to work? To reach the upper crust.
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Why did the weatherman bring a ladder? – Dad Joke
Why did the weatherman bring a ladder? To reach new heights in his career.
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Why did the mechanic wear a watch? – Dad Joke
Why did the mechanic wear a watch? To keep track of his ‘torque’ time.
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Why did the astronaut bring a broom? – Dad Joke
Why did the astronaut bring a broom? To sweep up stardust.
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Why did the gardener get an award? – Dad Joke
Why did the gardener get an award? He had an outstanding plant.
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Why did the doctor carry a red pen? – Dad Joke
Why did the doctor carry a red pen? In case they needed to draw blood.
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Why did the historian get kicked out of the library? – Dad Joke
Why did the historian get kicked out of the library? He was always digging up the past.
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Why did the suitcase file a complaint? – Dad Joke
Why did the suitcase file a complaint? It was getting lugged around too much.
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Why did the tree get in trouble? – Dad Joke
Why did the tree get in trouble? It was always going out on a limb.
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Why did the physicist go to the beach? – Dad Joke
Why did the physicist go to the beach? To work on his tan-gent.
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Why did the musician get arrested? – Dad Joke
Why did the musician get arrested? He got caught with too many sharp objects.
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Why did the soccer ball go to school? – Dad Joke
Why did the soccer ball go to school? To get a little bouncer.
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Why did the tomato turn red? – Dad Joke
Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing.
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Why did the computer get cold? – Dad Joke
Why did the computer get cold? It left its Windows open.
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Why did the electrician get shocked? – Dad Joke
Why did the electrician get shocked? He couldn’t resist.
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Why did the scientist install an extra door? – Dad Joke
Why did the scientist install an extra door? To have more room for error.
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Why did the musician get kicked out of the orchestra? – Dad Joke
Why did the musician get kicked out of the orchestra? He was always flat.
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Why did the baker go to therapy? – Dad Joke
Why did the baker go to therapy? He kneaded it.
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Why did the photographer get kicked out of the party? – Dad Joke
Why did the photographer get kicked out of the party? He kept flashing people.
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Why did the banker get locked out of his office? – Dad Joke
Why did the banker get locked out of his office? He lost interest.
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Why did the programmer get kicked out of the cafe? – Dad Joke
Why did the programmer get kicked out of the cafe? He was taking up too many bytes.
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Why did the mechanic sleep under the car? – Dad Joke
Why did the mechanic sleep under the car? He wanted to get up oily.
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Why did the golfer bring sunscreen? – Dad Joke
Why did the golfer bring sunscreen? To avoid the bunker.
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Why did the fisherman bring a piano to the lake? – Dad Joke
Why did the fisherman bring a piano to the lake? He wanted to play bass.
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Why did the teacher wear sunglasses? – Dad Joke
Why did the teacher wear sunglasses? Because her students were too bright.
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Why did the chef get a time-out? – Dad Joke
Why did the chef get a time-out? He was too saucy.
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Why did the astronaut break up with his girlfriend? – Dad Joke
Why did the astronaut break up with his girlfriend? He needed more space.
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Why did the librarian get kicked out of the library? – Dad Joke
Why did the librarian get kicked out of the library? She was too loud.
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Why did the gardener get a promotion? – Dad Joke
Why did the gardener get a promotion? Because he was always growing in his job.
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Why did the artist carry a pencil? – Dad Joke
Why did the artist carry a pencil? To draw his own conclusions.
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Why did the musician get kicked out of the band? – Dad Joke
Why did the musician get kicked out of the band? He was always flat.
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Why did the scarecrow get promoted? – Dad Joke
Why did the scarecrow get promoted? Because he was outstanding in his field.
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Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? – Dad Joke
Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.
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Why did the bicycle fall over? – Dad Joke
Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two tired.
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Why did the math book look sad? – Dad Joke
Why did the math book look sad? Because it had too many problems.
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I used to play piano by ear, – Dad Joke
I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.
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Why did the scarecrow win an award? – Dad Joke
Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
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SON: *hands my Dad his 50th birthday card* – Dad Joke
SON: *hands my Dad his 50th birthday card* DAD: You know, one would have been enough.
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How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? – Dad Joke
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten-tickles.
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A termite walks into a bar and asks, – Dad Joke
A termite walks into a bar and asks, ‘Is the bar tender here?’
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I used to have a job at a calendar factory – Dad Joke
I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.
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GRANDPA: I have a ‘dad bod’, – Dad Joke
GRANDPA: I have a ‘dad bod’, DAD: To me it’s more like a father figure.
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5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions. – Dad Joke
5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions. And the rest don’t know.
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What do you call a dog that can do magic? – Dad Joke
What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracadabrador.
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If Snoop Dogg dies before pot becomes legal in the US, – Dad Joke
If Snoop Dogg dies before pot becomes legal in the US, he will be rolling in his grave.
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What’s the best part about living in Switzerland? – Dad Joke
What’s the best part about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
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What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? – Dad Joke
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? AYE MATEY
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Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? – Dad Joke
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.
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KID: ‘Dad, make me a sandwich!’ – Dad Joke
KID: ‘Dad, make me a sandwich!’ DAD: ‘Poof, you’re a sandwich!’
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I told my son I was named after Thomas Jefferson… – Dad Joke
I told my son I was named after Thomas Jefferson… He said, ‘But dad, your name is Brian.’ I said, ‘I know, but I was named AFTER Thomas Jefferson.’
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Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging. – Dad Joke
Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.
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Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? – Dad Joke
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the pee is silent.