Category: Ugh

I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high She seemed surprised

Where do bad rainbow go? To prism, it’s light sentence, it gives them time to reflect.

When a short person waves at you, It’s called a microwave

Why did the rock go to school? To become a little boulder!

I recently became a vampire, and I’m so ashamed. I can’t even look at myself in the mirror.

What’s wrong with a joke about a frisbee that can’t fly? Jokes like that don’t fly around here.

What do you eat straight off the ground before a meal? floor-d’œuvres

Lance is a very uncommon name nowadays Back in medieval times, people were called Lance a lot.

Fun fact: if you cut off your left arm. Your right arm would be left.

How do you make an egg roll? You push it!

What do you call a person who is happy on Monday morning? Unemployed!

Why did the computer get cold? Because it left its windows open!

Why did the man fall down a well? He couldn’t see that well!

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana

I have a disease where I can’t stop telling airport jokes. My doctor says it’s terminal.

I was told I could look at the eclipse through a colander. I tried it but it strained my eyes!

What do you call a pig that practices karate? A pork chop

What does a drummer name his twin daughters? Anna 1 Anna 2

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.

I tried to catch some fog earlier. I mist.

What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie? Sofishticated.

What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty.

I entered 10 pun contests hoping one would win. No pun in ten did.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I recently broke up with my alien girlfriend She’s now my Space Ex

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? It only takes one, but it takes a long time and the light bulb has to want to change.

What’s a Karen called in Europe? An American!

I just realized my wife left me because of my obsession with simplifying fractions. Oh well. Hindsight is 1.

My wife accused me of being a cross dresser. I’m not having that, so I packed up her things and left

I’ve only got maybe two or three Motown puns left in me. Four tops!

Why can’t Luke Skywalker ever give his dad a surprise gift? Vader can always sense his presents.

What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows

Breaking news police are in pursuit of a child psychic A small medium is at large

Did you hear about the guy who invented knock knock jokes? He won a “no bell” prize.

If you love someone set them free. If they come back, nobody liked them so set them free again.

If a bear puts on socks and shoes He still has bear feet

What do you call a snowman that tells lies? A snowfake

What has five toes but isn’t your foot? My foot!

I’m afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered

What happened to the turkey that got into a fight? He got the stuffing knocked out of him!

What did the duck say when he bought chapstick? Put it on my bill!

My wife asked if I had seen the dog bowl? I said I never new he did!

My wife accused me of stealing her thesaurus Not only was I shocked but I was appalled, aghast and dismayed.

Why are elevator jokes the funniest? They work on all levels!

If you give someone a late present… does that make it a past?

What did one melon say after the other proposed? We cantaloupe!

What did the ham say when it walked out of the hospital? I’m cured!

My wife and I considered adoption However, we’re not sure anyone would take our kids.

What do you call a prawn that doesn’t want to share? Shellfish

What is your secret for staying down to earth? Gavity

What genre are national anthems? Country lol!

My Llama roommate yelled at me, “I’ve had enough of your dad jokes! Leave now!” “Fine,” I replied, “Alpaca my bags and leave.”

What do you call Frosty with a 6-pack? An abdominal snowman.

Where do you take someone who has been injured in a peekaboo accident? To the ICU

What do you call an Alien with 3 eyes? An Aliiien!

I haven’t talked to my wife in years. I don’t want to interupr her.

My friend gave me his Epipen while he was dying. It seemed like he really wanted me to have it.

I was so confused last night my printer was playing music. Turns out my printer was just jammin.

You are only American when you come out of the bathroom When you go in. Europeein.

My boss asked me why do I only get sick on work days? said I don’t know. I must have a weekend immune system.

I hired a handyman the other day and gave hima todo list Only jobs 1,5 and 9 were done… He only does odd jobs.

Someone just called my phone, sneezed, coughed and hung up.. I am getting sick of these cold calls.

Someone told me I had a booger in my nose I said.. It’s not

My therapist said I have a phobia of getting married. he asked me if I knew the symptoms? I said, I can’t say I do

It’s a 5 minute walk from the bar to my house but a 45 minute walk back. The difference is staggering!

A storm blew off 25% of my roof last night Oof!

What do you call a group of men waiting in line for a haircut? A barber-que

I got an email today explaining how to read maps backwards it was SPAM!