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Went to a restaurant last night. The Waiter said, I am sorry sir but we are so busy tonight. Would you mind waiting for a bit? I said no problem. He said we’ll take these drinks to table. 10.

Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is? No Sun

How do you get a farm girl To marry you? First a tractor

Why did the photographer bring a drone? To ‘elevate’ his shots.

Why did the teacher bring a chalk? To ‘draw’ attention.

Why did the fisherman bring a reel? To ‘wind’ up his day.

Why did the writer bring a highlighter? To ‘mark’ his best lines.

Why did the musician bring a capo? To ‘clamp’ down on mistakes.

Why did the chef bring a whisk? To ‘stir’ up greatness.

Why did the gardener bring a wheelbarrow? To ‘carry’ his success.

Why did the electrician bring a toolbox? To ‘fix’ his problems.

Why did the scientist bring goggles? To ‘see’ clearly.

Why did the banker bring a deposit slip? To ‘secure’ his funds.

Why did the photographer bring a lens cap? To ‘protect’ his vision.

Why did the teacher bring a pointer? To ‘direct’ his students.

Why did the fisherman bring a cooler? To ‘chill’ his catch.

Why did the writer bring a bookmark? To ‘mark’ his progress.

Why did the musician bring an amplifier? To ‘boost’ his performance.

Why did the chef bring an apron? To ‘cover’ his bases.

Why did the gardener bring gloves? To ‘handle’ his plants.

Why did the electrician bring a voltmeter? To ‘measure’ his potential.

Why did the scientist bring a flask? To ‘contain’ his excitement.

Why did the banker bring a briefcase? To ‘handle’ his business.

Why did the photographer bring a memory card? To ‘capture’ his best shots.

Why did the teacher bring a lesson plan? To ‘teach’ his own.

Why did the fisherman bring a fishing license? To ‘catch’ a break.

Why did the writer bring a laptop? To ‘key’ in his success.

Why did the musician bring sheet music? To ‘compose’ himself.

Why did the chef bring a timer? To ‘cook’ up success.

Why did the gardener bring a hoe? To ‘dig’ deeper.

Why did the electrician bring a circuit board? To ‘connect’ with his work.

Why did the scientist bring a petri dish? To ‘culture’ his work.

Why did the banker bring a ledger? To ‘account’ for his actions.

Why did the photographer bring a tripod? To ‘stand’ out.

Why did the teacher bring a report card? To ‘grade’ his performance.

Why did the fisherman bring a tackle box? To ‘hook’ his success.

Why did the writer bring a journal? To ‘note’ down his thoughts.

Why did the musician bring a tuner? To ‘fine-tune’ his skills.

Why did the chef bring a cookbook? To ‘spice’ up his life.

Why did the gardener bring a watering can? To ‘nourish’ his plants.

Why did the electrician bring a battery? To ‘charge’ up his day.

Why did the scientist bring a lab rat? For ‘experimental’ reasons.

Why did the banker bring a piggy bank? To ‘save’ his career.

Why did the photographer bring a filter? To ‘focus’ on the good.

Why did the teacher bring a globe? To ‘world’-build in class.

Why did the fisherman bring a net? To ‘catch’ his big opportunity.

Why did the writer bring a thesaurus? To find the ‘write’ words.

Why did the musician bring a metronome? To keep up with the ‘beat’.

Why did the chef bring a scale? To ‘weigh’ his options.

Why did the gardener bring a thermometer? To check the ‘climate’ of his work.

Why did the electrician bring a ruler? To measure his ‘current’ progress.

Why did the scientist bring a magnifying glass? To ‘zoom’ into his work.

Why did the banker bring a calculator? To count his blessings.

Why did the photographer bring a mirror? To reflect on his work.

Why did the teacher bring a telescope? To see the ‘pupil’ of his eye.

Why did the fisherman bring a timer? To know when to ‘reel’ in.

Why did the writer bring a compass? To find the right direction for his story.

Why did the musician bring a calendar? To keep track of his ‘compositions’.

What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick!

Why did the chef bring a tape measure? To get the right ‘serving size’.

Why did the gardener bring a map? To find his ‘root’.

Why did the electrician bring a flashlight? To ‘lighten’ up his work.

Why did the scientist bring a notebook? To jot down his ‘elements’ of surprise.

Why did the banker bring a fan? To blow away the interest.

Why did the photographer bring a bucket? To capture the moment.

Why did the teacher bring a ladder to class? To go to the next level.

Why did the fisherman bring a pencil? To draw his own bait.

Why did the astronomer get glasses? To improve his ‘sight’-ings.

Why did the librarian get a boat? To sail through the high seas.

Why did the chef bring a ladder to work? To reach the upper crust.

Why did the weatherman bring a ladder? To reach new heights in his career.

Why did the mechanic wear a watch? To keep track of his ‘torque’ time.

Why did the astronaut bring a broom? To sweep up stardust.

Why did the gardener get an award? He had an outstanding plant.

Why did the doctor carry a red pen? In case they needed to draw blood.

Why did the historian get kicked out of the library? He was always digging up the past.

Why did the suitcase file a complaint? It was getting lugged around too much.

Why did the tree get in trouble? It was always going out on a limb.

Why did the physicist go to the beach? To work on his tan-gent.

Why did the musician get arrested? He got caught with too many sharp objects.

Why did the soccer ball go to school? To get a little bouncer.

Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing.

Why did the electrician get shocked? He couldn’t resist.

Why did the computer get cold? It left its Windows open.

Why did the scientist install an extra door? To have more room for error.

Why did the musician get kicked out of the orchestra? He was always flat.

Why did the baker go to therapy? He kneaded it.

Why did the photographer get kicked out of the party? He kept flashing people.

Why did the banker get locked out of his office? He lost interest.

Why did the programmer get kicked out of the cafe? He was taking up too many bytes.

Why did the mechanic sleep under the car? He wanted to get up oily.

Why did the golfer bring sunscreen? To avoid the bunker.

Why did the fisherman bring a piano to the lake? He wanted to play bass.

Why did the teacher wear sunglasses? Because her students were too bright.

Why did the chef get a time-out? He was too saucy.

Why did the astronaut break up with his girlfriend? He needed more space.

Why did the librarian get kicked out of the library? She was too loud.

Why did the gardener get a promotion? Because he was always growing in his job.

Why did the artist carry a pencil? To draw his own conclusions.

Why did the musician get kicked out of the band? He was always flat.

Why did the scarecrow get promoted? Because he was outstanding in his field.

Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.

Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two tired.

Why did the math book look sad? Because it had too many problems.

I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

SON: *hands my Dad his 50th birthday card* DAD: You know, one would have been enough.

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten-tickles.

A termite walks into a bar and asks, ‘Is the bar tender here?’

I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.

GRANDPA: I have a ‘dad bod’, DAD: To me it’s more like a father figure.

5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions. And the rest don’t know.

What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracadabrador.

If Snoop Dogg dies before pot becomes legal in the US, he will be rolling in his grave.

What’s the best part about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? AYE MATEY

Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.

KID: ‘Dad, make me a sandwich!’ DAD: ‘Poof, you’re a sandwich!’

I told my son I was named after Thomas Jefferson… He said, ‘But dad, your name is Brian.’ I said, ‘I know, but I was named AFTER Thomas Jefferson.’

Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the pee is silent.

The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

Justice is a dish best served cold, if it were served warm it would be justwater.

When a dad drives past a graveyard: Did you know that’s a popular cemetery? Yep, people are just dying to get in there!

My wife tried to unlatch our daughter’s car seat with one hand and said, ‘How do one armed mothers do it?’ Without missing a beat I replied, ‘Single handedly.’

A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!

If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?

Did you know the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.

Today, my son asked ‘Can I have a book mark?’ 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.

I joined a band called 999 Megabytes. no gig yet

Why did the scientist get a new lab coat? His old one had too many stains.

Why did the banker get a new ledger? His old one was unbalanced.

Why did the mechanic get a new jack? His old one couldn’t lift his spirits.

Why did the photographer get a new tripod? His old one was shaky.

Why did the teacher get a new eraser? His old one was wiped out.

Why did the fisherman get a new boat? His old one was sinking.

Why did the fisherman get a new boat? His old one was sinking.

Why did the writer get a new dictionary? His old one was out of words.

Why did the musician get a new piano? His old one was out of key.

Why did the chef get a new oven? His old one was too slow.

Why did the gardener get a new rake? His old one was falling apart.

Why did the electrician get a new fuse? His old one blew up.

Why did the scientist get a new beaker? His old one had a crack in it.

Why did the banker get a new safe? His old one was cracked.

Why did the mechanic get a new screwdriver? His old one was too loose.

Why did the photographer get a new lens? His old one was too blurry.

Why did the teacher get a new ruler? His old one wasn’t straight.

Why did the fisherman get a new hook? His old one couldn’t catch anything.

Why did the writer get a new notebook? His old one was full of plot holes.

Why did the musician get a new drum? His old one was beat.

Why did the chef get a new pan? His old one was too warped.

Why did the gardener get a new hose? His old one had too many kinks.

Why did the electrician get a new wire? His old one was too short-circuited.

Why did the scientist get a new microscope? His old one couldn’t see the big picture.

Why did the banker get a new calculator? His old one was out of balance.

Why did the mechanic get a new wrench? His old one was too rusty.

Why did the photographer get a new camera? His old one couldn’t focus.

Why did the teacher get a new chalk? His old one was worn out.

Why did the musician get a new guitar? His old one was out of tune.

Why did the fisherman get a new rod? His old one couldn’t handle the reel world.

Why did the writer get a new pen? His old one ran out of ink-spiration.

Why did the chef get a new knife? His old one just didn’t cut it.

Why did the gardener get a new shovel? His old one was groundbreaking.

Why did the electrician get shocked? He couldn’t resist.

Why did the scientist install an extra door? To have more room for error.

Why did the musician get kicked out of the orchestra? He was always flat.

Why did the baker go to therapy? He kneaded it.

Why did the photographer get kicked out of the party? He kept flashing people.

Why did the banker get locked out of his office? He lost interest.

My wife just stopped and said “You weren’t even listening were you?” I thought… “That’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation”

Why did the programmer get kicked out of the cafe? He was taking up too many bytes.

Why did the mechanic sleep under the car? He wanted to get up oily.

Why did the golfer bring sunscreen? To avoid the bunker.

Why did the fisherman bring a piano to the lake? He wanted to play bass.

Why did the teacher wear sunglasses? Because her students were too bright.

Why did the chef get a time-out? He was too saucy.

Why did the astronaut break up with his girlfriend? He needed more space.

Why did the librarian get kicked out of the library? She was too loud.

Why did the gardener get a promotion? Because he was always growing in his job.

Why did the artist carry a pencil? To draw his own conclusions.

Why did the musician get kicked out of the band? He was always flat.

Why did the scarecrow get promoted? Because he was always outstanding in his field.

Why did the computer go to therapy? It had too many bytes.

My dad once told a joke about infinity… I never heard the end of it.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

I used to be a personal trainer. Then I gave my too weak notice.

What’s the best smelling insect? A deodor-ant.

I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!

What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.

What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter? An irrelephant.

Why can’t you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the ‘P’ is silent.

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

You know, people say they pick their nose. but I feel like I was just born with mine. but I feel like I was just born with mine.

I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I’ve never looked back since. and I’ve never looked back since.

I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner it was just gathering dust!

I used to hate facial hair… but then it grew on me.