Month: October 2023

Why did the scientist install an extra door? To have more room for error.

Why did the musician get kicked out of the orchestra? He was always flat.

Why did the baker go to therapy? He kneaded it.

Why did the photographer get kicked out of the party? He kept flashing people.

Why did the banker get locked out of his office? He lost interest.

Why did the programmer get kicked out of the cafe? He was taking up too many bytes.

Why did the mechanic sleep under the car? He wanted to get up oily.

Why did the golfer bring sunscreen? To avoid the bunker.

Why did the fisherman bring a piano to the lake? He wanted to play bass.

Why did the teacher wear sunglasses? Because her students were too bright.

Why did the chef get a time-out? He was too saucy.

Why did the astronaut break up with his girlfriend? He needed more space.

Why did the librarian get kicked out of the library? She was too loud.

Why did the gardener get a promotion? Because he was always growing in his job.

Why did the artist carry a pencil? To draw his own conclusions.

Why did the musician get kicked out of the band? He was always flat.

Why did the scarecrow get promoted? Because he was outstanding in his field.

Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.

Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two tired.

Why did the math book look sad? Because it had too many problems.

I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

SON: *hands my Dad his 50th birthday card* DAD: You know, one would have been enough.

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten-tickles.

A termite walks into a bar and asks, ‘Is the bar tender here?’

I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.

GRANDPA: I have a ‘dad bod’, DAD: To me it’s more like a father figure.

5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions. And the rest don’t know.

What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracadabrador.

If Snoop Dogg dies before pot becomes legal in the US, he will be rolling in his grave.

What’s the best part about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? AYE MATEY

Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.

KID: ‘Dad, make me a sandwich!’ DAD: ‘Poof, you’re a sandwich!’

I told my son I was named after Thomas Jefferson… He said, ‘But dad, your name is Brian.’ I said, ‘I know, but I was named AFTER Thomas Jefferson.’

Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the pee is silent.

The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

Justice is a dish best served cold, if it were served warm it would be justwater.

When a dad drives past a graveyard: Did you know that’s a popular cemetery? Yep, people are just dying to get in there!

My wife tried to unlatch our daughter’s car seat with one hand and said, ‘How do one armed mothers do it?’ Without missing a beat I replied, ‘Single handedly.’

A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!

If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?

Did you know the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.

Today, my son asked ‘Can I have a book mark?’ 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.

I joined a band called 999 Megabytes. no gig yet

Why did the scientist get a new lab coat? His old one had too many stains.

Why did the banker get a new ledger? His old one was unbalanced.

Why did the mechanic get a new jack? His old one couldn’t lift his spirits.

Why did the photographer get a new tripod? His old one was shaky.

Why did the teacher get a new eraser? His old one was wiped out.

Why did the fisherman get a new boat? His old one was sinking.

Why did the fisherman get a new boat? His old one was sinking.

Why did the writer get a new dictionary? His old one was out of words.

Why did the musician get a new piano? His old one was out of key.

Why did the chef get a new oven? His old one was too slow.

Why did the gardener get a new rake? His old one was falling apart.

Why did the electrician get a new fuse? His old one blew up.

Why did the scientist get a new beaker? His old one had a crack in it.

Why did the banker get a new safe? His old one was cracked.

Why did the mechanic get a new screwdriver? His old one was too loose.

Why did the photographer get a new lens? His old one was too blurry.

Why did the teacher get a new ruler? His old one wasn’t straight.

Why did the fisherman get a new hook? His old one couldn’t catch anything.

Why did the writer get a new notebook? His old one was full of plot holes.

Why did the musician get a new drum? His old one was beat.

Why did the chef get a new pan? His old one was too warped.

Why did the gardener get a new hose? His old one had too many kinks.

Why did the electrician get a new wire? His old one was too short-circuited.

Why did the scientist get a new microscope? His old one couldn’t see the big picture.

Why did the banker get a new calculator? His old one was out of balance.

Why did the mechanic get a new wrench? His old one was too rusty.

Why did the photographer get a new camera? His old one couldn’t focus.

Why did the teacher get a new chalk? His old one was worn out.

Why did the musician get a new guitar? His old one was out of tune.

Why did the fisherman get a new rod? His old one couldn’t handle the reel world.

Why did the writer get a new pen? His old one ran out of ink-spiration.

Why did the chef get a new knife? His old one just didn’t cut it.

Why did the gardener get a new shovel? His old one was groundbreaking.

Why did the electrician get shocked? He couldn’t resist.

Why did the scientist install an extra door? To have more room for error.

Why did the musician get kicked out of the orchestra? He was always flat.

Why did the baker go to therapy? He kneaded it.

Why did the photographer get kicked out of the party? He kept flashing people.

Why did the banker get locked out of his office? He lost interest.

My wife just stopped and said “You weren’t even listening were you?” I thought… “That’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation”

Why did the programmer get kicked out of the cafe? He was taking up too many bytes.

Why did the mechanic sleep under the car? He wanted to get up oily.

Why did the golfer bring sunscreen? To avoid the bunker.

Why did the fisherman bring a piano to the lake? He wanted to play bass.

Why did the teacher wear sunglasses? Because her students were too bright.

Why did the chef get a time-out? He was too saucy.

Why did the astronaut break up with his girlfriend? He needed more space.

Why did the librarian get kicked out of the library? She was too loud.

Why did the gardener get a promotion? Because he was always growing in his job.

Why did the artist carry a pencil? To draw his own conclusions.

Why did the musician get kicked out of the band? He was always flat.

Why did the scarecrow get promoted? Because he was always outstanding in his field.

Why did the computer go to therapy? It had too many bytes.

My dad once told a joke about infinity… I never heard the end of it.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

I used to be a personal trainer. Then I gave my too weak notice.

What’s the best smelling insect? A deodor-ant.

I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!

What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.

What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter? An irrelephant.

Why can’t you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the ‘P’ is silent.

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

You know, people say they pick their nose. but I feel like I was just born with mine. but I feel like I was just born with mine.

I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I’ve never looked back since. and I’ve never looked back since.

I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner it was just gathering dust!

I used to hate facial hair… but then it grew on me.

I’ve got a great joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.

Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the ‘no-bell’ prize.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!

How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!

I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.

I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.

Have you ever tried to catch a fog? I tried yesterday but I mist.

I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.

I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn’t concentrate.

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Sorry, we don’t serve food here.’

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s okay, he woke up.

Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They’re making headlines.

I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a Fanta sea.

What country’s capital is growing the fastest? Ireland. Every day it’s Dublin.

If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?

Shout out to my fingers. I can count on all of them.

That car looks nice but the muffler seems exhausted.

Do you wanna box for your leftovers? No, but I’ll wrestle you for them.

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know…

When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?

You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.

A guy walks into a bar… and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.

How did Harry Potter get down the hill? Walking. JK! Rowling.

How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.

What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers!

My dad told me a joke about boxing. I guess I missed the punch line.

What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese.

Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!

How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.

What does a bee use to brush its hair? A honeycomb!

What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!

I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it will get a reaction.

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.

I got so drunk last night that I lost my glasses The rest is a blur

What’s it called when you dance in math class? Algo-rhythm

What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum? A meltdown.

Why didn’t the skeleton climb the mountain? It didn’t have the guts.

What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.

How does a taco say grace? Lettuce pray.

Some people call the toilet “The John”. I call mine “The Jim” That way, I can proudly boast about spending 2 hours a day in The Jim.

How do you make 7 even? Take away the s.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn’t know it was on fire.

What kind of car does an egg drive? A yolkswagen.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in.

What does a lemon say when it answers the phone? Yellow!

Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.

Why did Billy get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.

What did one hat say to the other? Stay here! I’m going on ahead.

Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.

Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to spread it!

What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.

I don’t trust stairs. They’re always up to something.

Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.