Month: September 2023

How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.

My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!

I don’t trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.

Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the boat doc.

I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind.

What do you call a poor Santa Claus? St. Nickel-less.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

What has more letters than the alphabet? The post office!

Where do you learn to make a banana split? Sundae school.

What does a sprinter eat before a race? Nothing, they fast!

What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.

What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn? Where’s Pop Corn?

I asked my dog what’s two minus two. He said nothing.

Where do fruits go on vacation? Pear-is!

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, Hey, bartender. I’ll have one beer and a mop.

What did the zero say to the eight? That belt looks good on you.

What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner.

How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.

I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.

Why do seagulls fly over the ocean? Because if they flew over the bay, we’d call them bagels.

What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.

Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.

What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

What do you call a factory that makes okay products? A satisfactory.

How does dry skin affect you at work? You don’t have any elbow grease to put into it.

I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.

How do you follow Will Smith in the snow? You follow the fresh prints.

What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie? Sofishticated.

What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They’re both Paris sites.

Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.

Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing? In case they get a hole in one!

My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.

I’m afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.

Why did the radish write a book? Because it wanted to tell its life story.

Why did the radish wear glasses? Because it wanted to look radish-tastic.

Why did the radish become a musician? Because it had the natural root.

Why did the radish go to school? Because it wanted to improve its root.

Why did the radish become a detective? Because it was great at rooting to conclusions.

Why did the broccoli write a book? Because it wanted to tell its life story.

Why did the broccoli wear glasses? Because it wanted to look broccoli-tastic.

Why did the broccoli become a musician? Because it had the natural branch.

Why did the broccoli go to school? Because it wanted to improve its branch.

Why did the broccoli become a detective? Because it was great at branching to conclusions.

Why did the pepper write a book? Because it wanted to tell its life story.

On Halloween: Zombies eat brains, you drink spirits. Fair Trade

Why did the ghost go to the Halloween party? For the boos, obviously!

Why did the pepper wear glasses? Because it wanted to look pepper-tastic.

Why did the pepper become a musician? Because it had the natural spice.

Why did the pepper go to school? Because it wanted to improve its spice.

Why did the pepper become a detective? Because it was great at spicing up the evidence.

Why did the onion write a book? Because it wanted to tell its life story.

Why did the onion wear glasses? Because it wanted to look onion-tastic.

Why did the onion become a musician? Because it had the natural layer.

Why did the onion go to school? Because it wanted to improve its layer.

Why did the onion become a detective? Because it was great at layering the evidence.

Why did the potato write a book? Because it wanted to tell its life story.

Why did the potato wear glasses? Because it wanted to look potato-tastic.

Why did the potato become a musician? Because it had the natural mash.

Why did the potato go to school? Because it wanted to improve its mash.

Why did the potato become a detective? Because it was great at mashing to conclusions.

Why did the carrot write a book? Because it wanted to tell its life story.

Why did the carrot wear glasses? Because it wanted to look carrot-tastic.

Why did the carrot become a musician? Because it had the natural root.

Why did the carrot go to school? Because it wanted to improve its root.

Why did the carrot become a detective? Because it was great at digging to conclusions.

Why did the cucumber write a book? Because it wanted to tell its life story.

Why did the cucumber wear glasses? Because it wanted to look cucumber-tastic.

Why did the cucumber become a musician? Because it had the natural peel.

Why did the cucumber go to school? Because it wanted to improve its peel.

Why did the cucumber become a detective? Because it was great at peeling to conclusions.

Why did the lettuce write a book? Because it wanted to tell its life story.

Why did the lettuce wear glasses? Because it wanted to look lettuce-tastic.

Why did the lettuce become a musician? Because it had the natural leaf.

Why did the lettuce go to school? Because it wanted to improve its leaf.

Why did the lettuce become a detective? Because it was great at leafing to conclusions.

Why did the tomato write a book? Because it wanted to tell its life story.

Why did the tomato wear glasses? Because it wanted to look tomato-tastic.

Why did the tomato become a musician? Because it had the natural taste.

Why did the tomato go to school? Because it wanted to improve its taste.

Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing.

Why did the rollerblade write a book? Because it wanted to tell its life story.

Why did the rollerblade wear glasses? Because it wanted to look rollerblade-tastic.

Why did the rollerblade become a musician? Because it had the natural roll.

Why did the rollerblade go to school? Because it wanted to improve its roll.

Why did the rollerblade become a detective? Because it was great at rolling to conclusions.

Why did the skateboard write a book? Because it wanted to tell its life story.

Why did the skateboard wear glasses? Because it wanted to look skateboard-tastic.

Why did the skateboard become a musician? Because it had the natural skate.

Why did the skateboard go to school? Because it wanted to improve its skate.

Why did the skateboard become a detective? Because it was great at skating to conclusions.

Why did the motorcycle write a book? Because it wanted to tell its life story.

Why did the motorcycle wear glasses? Because it wanted to look motorcycle-tastic.

Why did the motorcycle become a musician? Because it had the natural bike.

Why did the motorcycle go to school? Because it wanted to improve its bike.

Why did the motorcycle become a detective? Because it was great at biking to conclusions.

Why did the scooter write a book? Because it wanted to tell its life story.

Why did the scooter wear glasses? Because it wanted to look scooter-tastic.

Why did the scooter become a musician? Because it had the natural scoot.

Why did the scooter go to school? Because it wanted to improve its scoot.

Why did the scooter become a detective? Because it was great at scooting to conclusions.

Why did the truck write a book? Because it wanted to tell its life story.

Why did the truck wear glasses? Because it wanted to look truck-tastic.

Why did the truck become a musician? Because it had the natural haul.

Why did the truck go to school? Because it wanted to improve its haul.

Why did the truck become a detective? Because it was great at hauling the evidence.

Why did the bus write a book? Because it wanted to tell its life story.

Why did the bus wear glasses? Because it wanted to look bus-tastic.

Why did the bus become a musician? Because it had the natural ride.

Why did the bus go to school? Because it wanted to improve its ride.

Why did the bus become a detective? Because it was great at riding to conclusions.

Why did the boat write a book? Because it wanted to tell its life story.

Why did the boat wear glasses? Because it wanted to look boat-tastic.

Why did the boat become a musician? Because it had the natural sail.

Why did the boat go to school? Because it wanted to improve its sail.

Why did the boat become a detective? Because it was great at sailing to conclusions.

Why did the plane write a book? Because it wanted to tell its life story.

Why did the plane wear glasses? Because it wanted to look plane-tastic.

Why did the plane become a musician? Because it had the natural flight.

Why did the plane go to school? Because it wanted to improve its flight.

Why did the plane become a detective? Because it was great at flying to conclusions.

Why did the train write a book? Because it wanted to tell its life story.

Why did the train wear glasses? Because it wanted to look train-tastic.

Why did the train become a musician? Because it had the natural track.

Why did the train go to school? Because it wanted to improve its track.

Why did the train become a detective? Because it was great at tracking the evidence.

Why did the car write a book? Because it wanted to tell its life story.

Why did the car wear glasses? Because it wanted to look car-tastic.

Why did the car become a musician? Because it had the natural drive.

Why did the car go to school? Because it wanted to improve its drive.

Why did the car become a detective? Because it was great at driving to conclusions.

Why did the bicycle write a book? Because it wanted to tell its life story.

Why did the bicycle wear glasses? Because it wanted to look bike-tastic.

Why did the bicycle become a musician? Because it had the natural ride.

Why did the bicycle go to school? Because it wanted to improve its ride.

Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two tired.

Why did the sheep write a book? Because it wanted to tell its life story.

Why did the sheep wear glasses? Because it wanted to look sheep-tastic.

Why did the sheep become a musician? Because it had the natural baa.

Why did the sheep go to school? Because it wanted to improve its baa.

Why did the sheep become a detective? Because it was great at wooling the evidence.

Why did the horse write a book? Because it wanted to tell its life story.

Why did the horse wear glasses? Because it wanted to look horse-tastic.

Why did the horse become a musician? Because it had the natural neigh.

Why did the horse go to school? Because it wanted to improve its neigh.

Why did the horse become a detective? Because it was great at galloping to conclusions.

Why did the fish write a book? Because it wanted to tell its life story.

Why did the fish wear glasses? Because it wanted to look fish-tastic.

Why did the fish become a musician? Because it had the natural swim.

Why did the fish go to school? Because it wanted to improve its swim.

Why did the fish become a detective? Because it was great at fishing for clues.

Why did the cat write a book? Because it wanted to tell its life story.

Why did the cat wear glasses? Because it wanted to look cat-tastic.

Why did the cat become a musician? Because it had the natural meow.

Why did the cat go to school? Because it wanted to improve its meow.

Why did the cat become a detective? Because it was great at purring the evidence.

Why did the pig write a book? Because it wanted to tell its life story.

Why did the pig wear glasses? Because it wanted to look pig-tastic.

Why did the pig become a musician? Because it had the natural oink.

Why did the pig go to school? Because it wanted to improve its oink.

Why did the pig become a detective? Because it was great at hogging the evidence.

Why did the duck write a book? Because it wanted to tell its life story.

Why did the duck wear glasses? Because it wanted to look duck-tastic.

Why did the duck become a musician? Because it had the natural quack.

Why did the duck go to school? Because it wanted to improve its quack.

Why did the duck become a detective? Because it was great at quacking the case.

Why did the chicken write a book? Because it wanted to tell its life story.

Why did the chicken wear glasses? Because it wanted to look egg-cellent.

Why did the chicken go to school? Because it wanted to improve its peck.

Why did the chicken become a musician? Because it had the drumsticks.

Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide.

Why did the elephant write a book? Because it wanted to tell its life story.

Why did the elephant wear glasses? Because it wanted to look ele-fantastic.

Why did the elephant become a musician? Because it had the natural trunk.

Why did the elephant go to school? Because it wanted to improve its trunk.

Why did the elephant sit on the bench? Because it wanted to crush the competition.

Why did the frog write a book? Because it wanted to tell its life story.

Why did the frog wear glasses? Because it wanted to look frog-tastic.

Why did the frog become a musician? Because it had the natural croak.

Why did the frog go to school? Because it wanted to improve its croak.

Why did the frog become a detective? Because it was great at leaping to conclusions.

Why did the bee write a book? Because it wanted to tell its life story.

Why did the bee wear glasses? Because it wanted to look bee-tiful.

Why did the bee become a musician? Because it had the natural buzz.

Why did the bee go to school? Because it wanted to improve its buzz.

Why did the bee get married? Because it found its honey.

Why did the cow become a painter? Because it wanted to make a moo-sterpiece.

Why did the cow start a band? Because it had the drumsteaks.

Why did the cow become an astronaut? Because it wanted to see the moooon.

Why did the cow wear a bell? Because its horns didn’t work.

Why did the cow sit down at the table? Because it saw the steaks.

Why did the dog write a book? Because it wanted to tell its tail.

Why did the dog wear glasses? Because it wanted to look spec-tail-ular.

Why did the dog become a detective? Because it wanted to solve the barking case.

Why did the dog go to school? Because it wanted to improve its bark.

Why did the dog sit in the shade? Because it didn’t want to be a hot dog.

Why did the bird join the band? Because it had the drumsticks.

Why did the bird wear a tie? Because it wanted to look tweet.

Why did the bird go to the party? Because it was a party fowl.