Author: DadJoker
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Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? – Dad Joke
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.
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KID: ‘Dad, make me a sandwich!’ – Dad Joke
KID: ‘Dad, make me a sandwich!’ DAD: ‘Poof, you’re a sandwich!’
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I told my son I was named after Thomas Jefferson… – Dad Joke
I told my son I was named after Thomas Jefferson… He said, ‘But dad, your name is Brian.’ I said, ‘I know, but I was named AFTER Thomas Jefferson.’
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Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging. – Dad Joke
Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.
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Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? – Dad Joke
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the pee is silent.
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The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. – Dad Joke
The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
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Justice is a dish best served cold, – Dad Joke
Justice is a dish best served cold, if it were served warm it would be justwater.
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When a dad drives past a graveyard: – Dad Joke
When a dad drives past a graveyard: Did you know that’s a popular cemetery? Yep, people are just dying to get in there!
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My wife tried to unlatch our daughter’s car seat with one hand and said, ‘How do one armed mothers do it?’ – Dad Joke
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter’s car seat with one hand and said, ‘How do one armed mothers do it?’ Without missing a beat I replied, ‘Single handedly.’
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A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. – Dad Joke
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
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I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. – Dad Joke
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!
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If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, – Dad Joke
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
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Did you know the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France? – Dad Joke
Did you know the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.
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I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. – Dad Joke
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
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How do you make holy water? – Dad Joke
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
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My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. – Dad Joke
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.
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Today, my son asked ‘Can I have a book mark?’ – Dad Joke
Today, my son asked ‘Can I have a book mark?’ 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
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I joined a band called 999 Megabytes
I joined a band called 999 Megabytes. no gig yet
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Why did the scientist get a new lab coat? – Dad Joke
Why did the scientist get a new lab coat? His old one had too many stains.
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Why did the banker get a new ledger? – Dad Joke
Why did the banker get a new ledger? His old one was unbalanced.
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Why did the mechanic get a new jack? – Dad Joke
Why did the mechanic get a new jack? His old one couldn’t lift his spirits.
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Why did the photographer get a new tripod? – Dad Joke
Why did the photographer get a new tripod? His old one was shaky.
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Why did the teacher get a new eraser? – Dad Joke
Why did the teacher get a new eraser? His old one was wiped out.
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Why did the fisherman get a new boat? – Dad Joke
Why did the fisherman get a new boat? His old one was sinking.
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Why did the fisherman get a new boat? – Dad Joke
Why did the fisherman get a new boat? His old one was sinking.
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Why did the writer get a new dictionary? – Dad Joke
Why did the writer get a new dictionary? His old one was out of words.
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Why did the musician get a new piano? – Dad Joke
Why did the musician get a new piano? His old one was out of key.
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Why did the chef get a new oven? – Dad Joke
Why did the chef get a new oven? His old one was too slow.
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Why did the gardener get a new rake? – Dad Joke
Why did the gardener get a new rake? His old one was falling apart.
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Why did the electrician get a new fuse? – Dad Joke
Why did the electrician get a new fuse? His old one blew up.
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Why did the scientist get a new beaker? – Dad Joke
Why did the scientist get a new beaker? His old one had a crack in it.
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Why did the banker get a new safe? – Dad Joke
Why did the banker get a new safe? His old one was cracked.
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Why did the mechanic get a new screwdriver? – Dad Joke
Why did the mechanic get a new screwdriver? His old one was too loose.
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Why did the photographer get a new lens? – Dad Joke
Why did the photographer get a new lens? His old one was too blurry.
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Why did the teacher get a new ruler? – Dad Joke
Why did the teacher get a new ruler? His old one wasn’t straight.
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Why did the fisherman get a new hook? – Dad Joke
Why did the fisherman get a new hook? His old one couldn’t catch anything.
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Why did the writer get a new notebook? – Dad Joke
Why did the writer get a new notebook? His old one was full of plot holes.
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Why did the musician get a new drum? – Dad Joke
Why did the musician get a new drum? His old one was beat.
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Why did the chef get a new pan? – Dad Joke
Why did the chef get a new pan? His old one was too warped.
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Why did the gardener get a new hose? – Dad Joke
Why did the gardener get a new hose? His old one had too many kinks.
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Why did the electrician get a new wire? – Dad Joke
Why did the electrician get a new wire? His old one was too short-circuited.
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Why did the scientist get a new microscope? – Dad Joke
Why did the scientist get a new microscope? His old one couldn’t see the big picture.
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Why did the banker get a new calculator? – Dad Joke
Why did the banker get a new calculator? His old one was out of balance.
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Why did the mechanic get a new wrench? – Dad Joke
Why did the mechanic get a new wrench? His old one was too rusty.
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Why did the photographer get a new camera? – Dad Joke
Why did the photographer get a new camera? His old one couldn’t focus.
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Why did the teacher get a new chalk? – Dad Joke
Why did the teacher get a new chalk? His old one was worn out.
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Why did the musician get a new guitar? – Dad Joke
Why did the musician get a new guitar? His old one was out of tune.
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Why did the fisherman get a new rod? – Dad Joke
Why did the fisherman get a new rod? His old one couldn’t handle the reel world.
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Why did the writer get a new pen? – Dad Joke
Why did the writer get a new pen? His old one ran out of ink-spiration.
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Why did the chef get a new knife? – Dad Joke
Why did the chef get a new knife? His old one just didn’t cut it.
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Why did the gardener get a new shovel? – Dad Joke
Why did the gardener get a new shovel? His old one was groundbreaking.
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Why did the electrician get shocked? – Dad Joke
Why did the electrician get shocked? He couldn’t resist.
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Why did the scientist install an extra door? – Dad Joke
Why did the scientist install an extra door? To have more room for error.
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Why did the musician get kicked out of the orchestra? – Dad Joke
Why did the musician get kicked out of the orchestra? He was always flat.
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Why did the baker go to therapy? – Dad Joke
Why did the baker go to therapy? He kneaded it.
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Why did the photographer get kicked out of the party? – Dad Joke
Why did the photographer get kicked out of the party? He kept flashing people.
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Why did the banker get locked out of his office? – Dad Joke
Why did the banker get locked out of his office? He lost interest.
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My wife just stopped and said “You weren’t even listening were you?”
My wife just stopped and said “You weren’t even listening were you?” I thought… “That’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation”
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Why did the programmer get kicked out of the cafe? – Dad Joke
Why did the programmer get kicked out of the cafe? He was taking up too many bytes.
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Why did the mechanic sleep under the car? – Dad Joke
Why did the mechanic sleep under the car? He wanted to get up oily.
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Why did the golfer bring sunscreen? – Dad Joke
Why did the golfer bring sunscreen? To avoid the bunker.
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Why did the fisherman bring a piano to the lake? – Dad Joke
Why did the fisherman bring a piano to the lake? He wanted to play bass.
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Why did the teacher wear sunglasses? – Dad Joke
Why did the teacher wear sunglasses? Because her students were too bright.
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Why did the chef get a time-out? – Dad Joke
Why did the chef get a time-out? He was too saucy.
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Why did the astronaut break up with his girlfriend? – Dad Joke
Why did the astronaut break up with his girlfriend? He needed more space.
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Why did the librarian get kicked out of the library? – Dad Joke
Why did the librarian get kicked out of the library? She was too loud.
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Why did the gardener get a promotion? – Dad Joke
Why did the gardener get a promotion? Because he was always growing in his job.
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Why did the artist carry a pencil? – Dad Joke
Why did the artist carry a pencil? To draw his own conclusions.
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Why did the musician get kicked out of the band? – Dad Joke
Why did the musician get kicked out of the band? He was always flat.
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Why did the scarecrow get promoted? – Dad Joke
Why did the scarecrow get promoted? Because he was always outstanding in his field.
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Why did the computer go to therapy? – Dad Joke
Why did the computer go to therapy? It had too many bytes.
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My dad once told a joke about infinity…
My dad once told a joke about infinity… I never heard the end of it.
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Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? – Dad Joke
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!
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I used to be a personal trainer. – Dad Joke
I used to be a personal trainer. Then I gave my too weak notice.
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What’s the best smelling insect? – Dad Joke
What’s the best smelling insect? A deodor-ant.
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I like telling Dad jokes. – Dad Joke
I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!
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What do you get from a pampered cow? – Dad Joke
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
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What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter? – Dad Joke
What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter? An irrelephant.
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Why can’t you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? – Dad Joke
Why can’t you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the ‘P’ is silent.
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What’s brown and sticky? – Dad Joke
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
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You know, people say they pick their nose. but I feel like I was just born with mine. – Dad Joke
You know, people say they pick their nose. but I feel like I was just born with mine. but I feel like I was just born with mine.
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I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I’ve never looked back since. – Dad Joke
I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I’ve never looked back since. and I’ve never looked back since.
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I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner – Dad Joke
I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner it was just gathering dust!
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I used to hate facial hair… – Dad Joke
I used to hate facial hair… but then it grew on me.
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I’ve got a great joke about construction, – Dad Joke
I’ve got a great joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.
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Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? – Dad Joke
Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the ‘no-bell’ prize.
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I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. – Dad Joke
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!
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How do you make a Kleenex dance? – Dad Joke
How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!
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I made a pencil with two erasers. – Dad Joke
I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.
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I’m on a seafood diet. – Dad Joke
I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.
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Have you ever tried to catch a fog? – Dad Joke
Have you ever tried to catch a fog? I tried yesterday but I mist.
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I used to play piano by ear. – Dad Joke
I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.
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I once got fired from a canned juice company. – Dad Joke
I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn’t concentrate.
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A cheeseburger walks into a bar. – Dad Joke
A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Sorry, we don’t serve food here.’
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Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? – Dad Joke
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s okay, he woke up.
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Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? – Dad Joke
Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They’re making headlines.
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I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. – Dad Joke
I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a Fanta sea.
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What country’s capital is growing the fastest? – Dad Joke
What country’s capital is growing the fastest? Ireland. Every day it’s Dublin.
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If a child refuses to nap, – Dad Joke
If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
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Shout out to my fingers. – Dad Joke
Shout out to my fingers. I can count on all of them.
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That car looks nice – Dad Joke
That car looks nice but the muffler seems exhausted.
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Do you wanna box for your leftovers? – Dad Joke
Do you wanna box for your leftovers? No, but I’ll wrestle you for them.
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I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. – Dad Joke
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know…
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When two vegans get in an argument, – Dad Joke
When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?
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You think swimming with sharks is expensive? – Dad Joke
You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.
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A guy walks into a bar… – Dad Joke
A guy walks into a bar… and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.
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I used to be addicted to soap, – Dad Joke
I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.
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How did Harry Potter get down the hill? – Dad Joke
How did Harry Potter get down the hill? Walking. JK! Rowling.
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How does a penguin build its house? – Dad Joke
How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.
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What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? – Dad Joke
What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers!
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My dad told me a joke about boxing. – Dad Joke
My dad told me a joke about boxing. I guess I missed the punch line.
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Suzan tells her boss she has bad news.
All you ever give me is bad news, the boss says. Give me some good news for a change. OK, Suzan replies you’re not sterile.
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What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? – Dad Joke
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese.
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Why did the math book look so sad? – Dad Joke
Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!
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How do you make a tissue dance? – Dad Joke
How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.
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What does a bee use to brush its hair? – Dad Joke
What does a bee use to brush its hair? A honeycomb!
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What concert costs just 45 cents? – Dad Joke
What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!
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I have a joke about chemistry, – Dad Joke
I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it will get a reaction.
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How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? – Dad Joke
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.
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I got so drunk last night that I lost my glasses
I got so drunk last night that I lost my glasses The rest is a blur
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What’s it called when you dance in math class?
What’s it called when you dance in math class? Algo-rhythm
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What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum? – Dad Joke
What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum? A meltdown.
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Why didn’t the skeleton climb the mountain? – Dad Joke
Why didn’t the skeleton climb the mountain? It didn’t have the guts.
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What time did the man go to the dentist? – Dad Joke
What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.
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How does a taco say grace? – Dad Joke
How does a taco say grace? Lettuce pray.
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Some people call the toilet “The John”. I call mine “The Jim”
Some people call the toilet “The John”. I call mine “The Jim” That way, I can proudly boast about spending 2 hours a day in The Jim.
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How do you make 7 even? – Dad Joke
How do you make 7 even? Take away the s.
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What’s the difference between boy ghosts and girl ghosts?
What’s the difference between boy ghosts and girl ghosts? The boooooooobs
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The Holy Bible teaches us to love one another
The Holy Bible teaches us to love one another The Kama Sutra is a little more specific
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Dad, can you put the cat out? – Dad Joke
Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn’t know it was on fire.
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What kind of car does an egg drive? – Dad Joke
What kind of car does an egg drive? A yolkswagen.
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This graveyard looks overcrowded. – Dad Joke
This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in.
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What does a lemon say when it answers the phone? – Dad Joke
What does a lemon say when it answers the phone? Yellow!
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Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long? – Dad Joke
Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.
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Dad, can you put my shoes on? – Dad Joke
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.
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Why did Billy get fired from the banana factory? – Dad Joke
Why did Billy get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.
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What did one hat say to the other? – Dad Joke
What did one hat say to the other? Stay here! I’m going on ahead.
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Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself? – Dad Joke
Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.
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Did you hear the rumor about butter? – Dad Joke
Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to spread it!
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What do you call someone with no body and no nose? – Dad Joke
What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.
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I don’t trust stairs. – Dad Joke
I don’t trust stairs. They’re always up to something.
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Why don’t eggs tell jokes? – Dad Joke
Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.
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How do you get a squirrel to like you? – Dad Joke
How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.
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My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. – Dad Joke
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!
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I don’t trust those trees. – Dad Joke
I don’t trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.
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Where do boats go when they’re sick? – Dad Joke
Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the boat doc.
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I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. – Dad Joke
I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind.
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What do you call a poor Santa Claus? – Dad Joke
What do you call a poor Santa Claus? St. Nickel-less.
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Dad, did you get a haircut? – Dad Joke
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!
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What has more letters than the alphabet? – Dad Joke
What has more letters than the alphabet? The post office!
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Where do you learn to make a banana split? – Dad Joke
Where do you learn to make a banana split? Sundae school.
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What does a sprinter eat before a race? – Dad Joke
What does a sprinter eat before a race? Nothing, they fast!
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What’s the best thing about Switzerland? – Dad Joke
What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
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What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn? – Dad Joke
What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn? Where’s Pop Corn?
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I asked my dog what’s two minus two. – Dad Joke
I asked my dog what’s two minus two. He said nothing.
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Where do fruits go on vacation? – Dad Joke
Where do fruits go on vacation? Pear-is!
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A skeleton walks into a bar and says, – Dad Joke
A skeleton walks into a bar and says, Hey, bartender. I’ll have one beer and a mop.
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What did the zero say to the eight? – Dad Joke
What did the zero say to the eight? That belt looks good on you.
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What did one wall say to the other? – Dad Joke
What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner.
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How does the moon cut his hair? – Dad Joke
How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.
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I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. – Dad Joke
I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.
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Why do seagulls fly over the ocean? – Dad Joke
Why do seagulls fly over the ocean? Because if they flew over the bay, we’d call them bagels.
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What did the ocean say to the beach? – Dad Joke
What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.
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Have you heard about the chocolate record player? – Dad Joke
Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.
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What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? – Dad Joke
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!
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Dear Math, – Dad Joke
Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.
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What do you call a factory that makes okay products? – Dad Joke
What do you call a factory that makes okay products? A satisfactory.
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How does dry skin affect you at work? – Dad Joke
How does dry skin affect you at work? You don’t have any elbow grease to put into it.
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I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. – Dad Joke
I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.
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If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? – Dad Joke
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.
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How do you follow Will Smith in the snow? – Dad Joke
How do you follow Will Smith in the snow? You follow the fresh prints.
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What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie? – Dad Joke
What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie? Sofishticated.
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What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? – Dad Joke
What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They’re both Paris sites.
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Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. – Dad Joke
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
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Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing? – Dad Joke
Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing? In case they get a hole in one!
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My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. – Dad Joke
My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.
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I’m afraid for the calendar. – Dad Joke
I’m afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.
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Why did the radish write a book? – Dad Joke
Why did the radish write a book? Because it wanted to tell its life story.
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Why did the radish wear glasses? – Dad Joke
Why did the radish wear glasses? Because it wanted to look radish-tastic.
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Why did the radish become a musician? – Dad Joke
Why did the radish become a musician? Because it had the natural root.
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Why did the radish go to school? – Dad Joke
Why did the radish go to school? Because it wanted to improve its root.
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Why did the radish become a detective? – Dad Joke
Why did the radish become a detective? Because it was great at rooting to conclusions.
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Why did the broccoli write a book? – Dad Joke
Why did the broccoli write a book? Because it wanted to tell its life story.
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Why did the broccoli wear glasses? – Dad Joke
Why did the broccoli wear glasses? Because it wanted to look broccoli-tastic.
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Why did the broccoli become a musician? – Dad Joke
Why did the broccoli become a musician? Because it had the natural branch.
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Why did the broccoli go to school? – Dad Joke
Why did the broccoli go to school? Because it wanted to improve its branch.
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Why did the broccoli become a detective? – Dad Joke
Why did the broccoli become a detective? Because it was great at branching to conclusions.
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Why did the pepper write a book? – Dad Joke
Why did the pepper write a book? Because it wanted to tell its life story.
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On Halloween: Zombies eat brains, you drink spirits. – Dad Joke
On Halloween: Zombies eat brains, you drink spirits. Fair Trade
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Why did the ghost go to the Halloween party? – Dad Joke
Why did the ghost go to the Halloween party? For the boos, obviously!
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Why did the pepper wear glasses? – Dad Joke
Why did the pepper wear glasses? Because it wanted to look pepper-tastic.
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Why did the pepper become a musician? – Dad Joke
Why did the pepper become a musician? Because it had the natural spice.
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Why did the pepper go to school? – Dad Joke
Why did the pepper go to school? Because it wanted to improve its spice.
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Why did the pepper become a detective? – Dad Joke
Why did the pepper become a detective? Because it was great at spicing up the evidence.
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Why did the onion write a book? – Dad Joke
Why did the onion write a book? Because it wanted to tell its life story.
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Why did the onion wear glasses? – Dad Joke
Why did the onion wear glasses? Because it wanted to look onion-tastic.
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Why did the onion become a musician? – Dad Joke
Why did the onion become a musician? Because it had the natural layer.
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Why did the onion go to school? – Dad Joke
Why did the onion go to school? Because it wanted to improve its layer.
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Why did the onion become a detective? – Dad Joke
Why did the onion become a detective? Because it was great at layering the evidence.
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Why did the potato write a book? – Dad Joke
Why did the potato write a book? Because it wanted to tell its life story.