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I’ve got a great joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.

Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the ‘no-bell’ prize.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!

How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!

I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.

I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.

Have you ever tried to catch a fog? I tried yesterday but I mist.

I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.

I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn’t concentrate.

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Sorry, we don’t serve food here.’

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s okay, he woke up.

Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They’re making headlines.

I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a Fanta sea.

What country’s capital is growing the fastest? Ireland. Every day it’s Dublin.

If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?

Shout out to my fingers. I can count on all of them.

That car looks nice but the muffler seems exhausted.

Do you wanna box for your leftovers? No, but I’ll wrestle you for them.

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know…

When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?

You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.

A guy walks into a bar… and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.

How did Harry Potter get down the hill? Walking. JK! Rowling.

How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.

What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers!

My dad told me a joke about boxing. I guess I missed the punch line.

What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese.

Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!

How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.

What does a bee use to brush its hair? A honeycomb!

What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!

I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it will get a reaction.

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.

I got so drunk last night that I lost my glasses The rest is a blur

What’s it called when you dance in math class? Algo-rhythm

What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum? A meltdown.

Why didn’t the skeleton climb the mountain? It didn’t have the guts.

What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.

How does a taco say grace? Lettuce pray.

Some people call the toilet “The John”. I call mine “The Jim” That way, I can proudly boast about spending 2 hours a day in The Jim.

How do you make 7 even? Take away the s.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn’t know it was on fire.

What kind of car does an egg drive? A yolkswagen.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in.

What does a lemon say when it answers the phone? Yellow!

Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.

Why did Billy get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.

What did one hat say to the other? Stay here! I’m going on ahead.

Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.

Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to spread it!

What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.

I don’t trust stairs. They’re always up to something.

Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.

How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.

My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!

I don’t trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.

Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the boat doc.

I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind.

What do you call a poor Santa Claus? St. Nickel-less.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

What has more letters than the alphabet? The post office!

Where do you learn to make a banana split? Sundae school.

What does a sprinter eat before a race? Nothing, they fast!

What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.

What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn? Where’s Pop Corn?

I asked my dog what’s two minus two. He said nothing.

Where do fruits go on vacation? Pear-is!

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, Hey, bartender. I’ll have one beer and a mop.

What did the zero say to the eight? That belt looks good on you.

What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner.

How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.

I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.

Why do seagulls fly over the ocean? Because if they flew over the bay, we’d call them bagels.

What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.

Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.

What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

What do you call a factory that makes okay products? A satisfactory.

How does dry skin affect you at work? You don’t have any elbow grease to put into it.

I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.

How do you follow Will Smith in the snow? You follow the fresh prints.

What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie? Sofishticated.

What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They’re both Paris sites.

Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.

Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing? In case they get a hole in one!

My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.

Why did the radish write a book? Because it wanted to tell its life story.

I’m afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.

Why did the radish wear glasses? Because it wanted to look radish-tastic.

Why did the radish become a musician? Because it had the natural root.

Why did the radish go to school? Because it wanted to improve its root.

Why did the radish become a detective? Because it was great at rooting to conclusions.

Why did the broccoli write a book? Because it wanted to tell its life story.

Why did the broccoli wear glasses? Because it wanted to look broccoli-tastic.

Why did the broccoli become a musician? Because it had the natural branch.

Why did the broccoli go to school? Because it wanted to improve its branch.

Why did the broccoli become a detective? Because it was great at branching to conclusions.

Why did the pepper write a book? Because it wanted to tell its life story.

On Halloween: Zombies eat brains, you drink spirits. Fair Trade

Why did the ghost go to the Halloween party? For the boos, obviously!

Why did the pepper wear glasses? Because it wanted to look pepper-tastic.

Why did the pepper become a musician? Because it had the natural spice.

Why did the pepper go to school? Because it wanted to improve its spice.

Why did the pepper become a detective? Because it was great at spicing up the evidence.

Why did the onion write a book? Because it wanted to tell its life story.

Why did the onion wear glasses? Because it wanted to look onion-tastic.

Why did the onion become a musician? Because it had the natural layer.

Why did the onion go to school? Because it wanted to improve its layer.

Why did the onion become a detective? Because it was great at layering the evidence.

Why did the potato write a book? Because it wanted to tell its life story.

Why did the potato wear glasses? Because it wanted to look potato-tastic.

Why did the potato become a musician? Because it had the natural mash.

Why did the potato go to school? Because it wanted to improve its mash.

Why did the potato become a detective? Because it was great at mashing to conclusions.

Why did the carrot write a book? Because it wanted to tell its life story.

Why did the carrot wear glasses? Because it wanted to look carrot-tastic.

Why did the carrot become a musician? Because it had the natural root.

Why did the carrot go to school? Because it wanted to improve its root.

Why did the carrot become a detective? Because it was great at digging to conclusions.

Why did the cucumber write a book? Because it wanted to tell its life story.

Why did the cucumber wear glasses? Because it wanted to look cucumber-tastic.

Why did the cucumber become a musician? Because it had the natural peel.

Why did the cucumber go to school? Because it wanted to improve its peel.

Why did the cucumber become a detective? Because it was great at peeling to conclusions.

Why did the lettuce write a book? Because it wanted to tell its life story.

Why did the lettuce wear glasses? Because it wanted to look lettuce-tastic.

Why did the lettuce become a musician? Because it had the natural leaf.

Why did the lettuce go to school? Because it wanted to improve its leaf.

Why did the lettuce become a detective? Because it was great at leafing to conclusions.

Why did the tomato write a book? Because it wanted to tell its life story.

Why did the tomato wear glasses? Because it wanted to look tomato-tastic.

Why did the tomato become a musician? Because it had the natural taste.

Why did the tomato go to school? Because it wanted to improve its taste.

Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing.

Why did the rollerblade write a book? Because it wanted to tell its life story.

Why did the rollerblade wear glasses? Because it wanted to look rollerblade-tastic.

Why did the rollerblade become a musician? Because it had the natural roll.

Why did the rollerblade go to school? Because it wanted to improve its roll.

Why did the rollerblade become a detective? Because it was great at rolling to conclusions.

Why did the skateboard write a book? Because it wanted to tell its life story.

Why did the skateboard wear glasses? Because it wanted to look skateboard-tastic.

Why did the skateboard become a musician? Because it had the natural skate.

Why did the skateboard go to school? Because it wanted to improve its skate.

Why did the skateboard become a detective? Because it was great at skating to conclusions.

Why did the motorcycle write a book? Because it wanted to tell its life story.

Why did the motorcycle wear glasses? Because it wanted to look motorcycle-tastic.

Why did the motorcycle become a musician? Because it had the natural bike.

Why did the motorcycle go to school? Because it wanted to improve its bike.

Why did the motorcycle become a detective? Because it was great at biking to conclusions.

Why did the scooter write a book? Because it wanted to tell its life story.

Why did the scooter wear glasses? Because it wanted to look scooter-tastic.

Why did the scooter become a musician? Because it had the natural scoot.

Why did the scooter go to school? Because it wanted to improve its scoot.

Why did the scooter become a detective? Because it was great at scooting to conclusions.

Why did the truck write a book? Because it wanted to tell its life story.

Why did the truck wear glasses? Because it wanted to look truck-tastic.

Why did the truck become a musician? Because it had the natural haul.

Why did the truck go to school? Because it wanted to improve its haul.

Why did the truck become a detective? Because it was great at hauling the evidence.

Why did the bus write a book? Because it wanted to tell its life story.

Why did the bus wear glasses? Because it wanted to look bus-tastic.

Why did the bus become a musician? Because it had the natural ride.

Why did the bus go to school? Because it wanted to improve its ride.

Why did the bus become a detective? Because it was great at riding to conclusions.

Why did the boat write a book? Because it wanted to tell its life story.

Why did the boat wear glasses? Because it wanted to look boat-tastic.

Why did the boat become a musician? Because it had the natural sail.

Why did the boat go to school? Because it wanted to improve its sail.

Why did the boat become a detective? Because it was great at sailing to conclusions.

Why did the plane write a book? Because it wanted to tell its life story.

Why did the plane wear glasses? Because it wanted to look plane-tastic.

Why did the plane become a musician? Because it had the natural flight.

Why did the plane go to school? Because it wanted to improve its flight.

Why did the plane become a detective? Because it was great at flying to conclusions.

Why did the train write a book? Because it wanted to tell its life story.

Why did the train wear glasses? Because it wanted to look train-tastic.

Why did the train become a musician? Because it had the natural track.

Why did the train go to school? Because it wanted to improve its track.

Why did the train become a detective? Because it was great at tracking the evidence.

Why did the car write a book? Because it wanted to tell its life story.

Why did the car wear glasses? Because it wanted to look car-tastic.

Why did the car become a musician? Because it had the natural drive.

Why did the car go to school? Because it wanted to improve its drive.

Why did the car become a detective? Because it was great at driving to conclusions.

Why did the bicycle write a book? Because it wanted to tell its life story.

Why did the bicycle wear glasses? Because it wanted to look bike-tastic.

Why did the bicycle become a musician? Because it had the natural ride.

Why did the bicycle go to school? Because it wanted to improve its ride.

Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two tired.

Why did the sheep write a book? Because it wanted to tell its life story.

Why did the sheep wear glasses? Because it wanted to look sheep-tastic.

Why did the sheep become a musician? Because it had the natural baa.

Why did the sheep go to school? Because it wanted to improve its baa.

Why did the sheep become a detective? Because it was great at wooling the evidence.

Why did the horse write a book? Because it wanted to tell its life story.

Why did the horse wear glasses? Because it wanted to look horse-tastic.

Why did the horse become a musician? Because it had the natural neigh.